WARNING: Not for the Weak Stomach. This Happened.

Over the past few weeks, we, as a family, have been riddled with all kinds of sicknesses. It's been kind-of ridiculous, but we were all on the verge of getting better. Thee of the five of us have been on antibiotics, and things were starting to look less miserable.

Today started out as such a nice, little Sunday. We woke up (REALLY early, daylight savings time just ended, and the kids don't care about that). We went to church. We raked some leaves. The boys took a nap. Then, Henry woke up and was moving very slowly.

We handed him a bucket.

Not long after that, he perked up and asked for some Goldfish. I obliged (but also asked, "Are you sure about that, little buddy?").

Shortly after the snacking, I decided to bathe all the kids before dinner. (They had all dove into some filthy leaves earlier in the day and looked like something that came out of an old chimney. So, it needed to happen.)

I probably should've been at the ready when Henry asked the question, "Hey, Mom. What happens if you throw up in the bath?"

Just after pulling Henry out of the tub, Henry ran around the corner (out of the bathroom, of course), and this happened in the hallway. On carpet.

Note that he is puking ONTO the dog that is eating his vomit. Everett and I watch in horror.

I kid you not, as the kid was between heaves, he turned his head to say to Willis and me, "Are you guys going to eat dinner without me!?"

Then, he cried when all we gave him was dry toast.

After this scene (and cleaning it up), I had to sit down for a few minutes to recuperate. I was touch and go for awhile. I'm still a little borderline reliving the scene, honestly. I had to document it, though. This is classic stuff.

So, by the way, this is why I don't have new carpet.

Tap Tap Taparoo

Every weekday morning, it's always the same thing. I try, frantically, to get the kids something to eat. I try to make sure the baby is okay so that I can get something to eat (and try to get coffee into my system as fast as possible). Then, I might even try to clean up part of the house or throw in a load of laundry, if I think it's possible.

As you may well know by now, I find my dog to be largely annoying. He eats half of just about everything I bake. He eats napkins. He waits until we're not paying attention, and he gets into our bed and sheds everywhere and leaves "questionable prints" on our pillows and sheets (typically after I've just washed and changed the bedding).

There is one thing that he does every single day that makes me want to punt him. He tap dances around me until I go downstairs (in the basement) and feed him. It looks a lot like the following:



Imagine a ridiculous and constant tapping sound as his paws contact the floor.

These are his tap dancing moves. Up and down and up and down and tappy tappy tap tap tap. Tap tap taparoo!



This is me, every weekday morning, at my wit's end with the dog. I'm pretty sure I can be heard saying things like, "Knock it off, dog!" or, "Calm down, ding-dong!"

I'm not typically a morning person, but I'm not an un-morning person, if you know what I mean. The dog pretty much obliterates the easygoing nature from my soul every weekday morning when he's tap-tap-tapping around me while I'm trying to, like, feed my children and be a functional human being.

I recognize that he thinks he's absolutely going to die of starvation every morning, but I'd honestly rather he just stand there and bark at me over the tap dancing. He knocks stuff over. He runs into the kids. He sends my area rugs across the room because he tap dances across them. He pretty much delays getting fed because I'm too busy trying to undo his path of destruction as I'm trying to get to the task of feeding him.

Pet Rage Post

I really hadn't intended to whine about my pets in two, consecutive blog posts, but I have to. I'm so incredibly enraged by my dog right now, that I absolutely have to blow off some steam with a rage blog post so that I don't lie in bed and fume about him all night long. I tried walking several blocks right after this particular incident (of which the description is forthcoming, by the way) initially to try and cool down, but I'm still coming down off it.

Side note: this is probably too much information, but once I returned from my rage walk, I nursed my baby and made some comment like, "Gee. I hope rage doesn't transfer through breast milk."

I don't think it did.

Without further ado, here are three, recent offenses that have honked me off royally with this dog. (And, I have a daily offense that he does that I intend to blog about at a later date, but this will have to do for now.)

































Any time I forget to wipe off the table after the kids eat, or if, gasp, the cat decides to hurl on the dining room table (that honks me off, too, by the way), I get to discover this, little gem. One day, I have grand designs of refinishing (buffing) that table when my kids get older and when that dog/cat combo croaks on us one day.

Ah, yes. Who could forget the infamous birthday cake scarfage? Yep. The dog freaking ate half of my kid's birthday cake whilst it was cooling. I about flipped a biscuit that day, too.

You know what he did tonight, though? I baked six awesome, round loaves (for bread bowls for a broccoli cheddar soup I made over the weekend), and I had three of them left. Do you see where this is going?

That punk freaking lifted off that covering and scarfed ALL THREE LOAVES without leaving a single crumblet behind. I was so furious, I actually had to go for rage walk at 8 p.m. I've never needed a rage walk before, and you know what? It wasn't quite long enough. Thus, the rage blogging.

He has never lifted the cover off of anything and eaten it off the counter, and I am just nuts with fury. I feel like every time I bake, the jackelope has to eat half of it. I can't stand it. He never used to be this crafty . . . or hungry.

He also left some scratches on my new stove that I'm hoping will buff off with time. Nay, he's hoping.

And, do you know what he does every single time he does these things—even if I don't catch him in the act (which, by the way, of these there incidents, I only caught him finishing off the last of the bread)?

This.

Yes. It's huge (the picture) for a reason.

He knows it's wrong. He knows he did something bad. But you know what? The jerk just can't help himself.

WANT TO PUNT!